Enthusiasm

In my last post I was struggling with Leo’s apparent regression, and in the face of this development, I found myself questioning everything again. I wondered if I had become a little smug, congratulating myself on ‘doing a good job’ too soon. I knew that it was not accurate to describe him ‘slipping away’, but I almost found myself using those words as the eye contact dropped once more, the screaming increased and the desire to communicate and the ability to understand seemed to be evaporating. The only smiles were to himself as he spent more and more time spinning round.  He was struggling and I didn’t know why.

Not long after I posted, Leo was heartily sick, and continued to bring up the contents of his stomach on a daily basis for the next 14 days. I think he missed one day. He had a fever on more than one of the days, but there was no infection. Just a bug, but it must have felt horrible and even worse, he could not tell me about it. He certainly couldn’t deal with looking at people and follwing instructions and joining in with the grown-ups’ strange little games. Once he was better he went back to himself (his still very much autistic self, but the one we have got to know). Before his recovery Leo would repeatedly put his hands over his ears. Most of the time there was no noise to block out and I was puzzled and concerned. He would look at me as if he was asking for help. It has only just occurred to me that was exactly what he was doing. He has used the sign occasionally in the context of some kind of discomfort or being very unhappy about something. I have been trying to teach him the sign for pain, but he had come up with his own – I just didn’t understand it properly until afterwards. Interestingly, since being so sick, he has used pretend sick noises to indicate intense dislike of something.

I also received Leo’s report around this time. Every 6 weeks I get an update on his progress in relation to the targets which have been set for him. It does not come from the pre-school, but from the Nursery Nurse who is part of the Early Years Team. It seems a very roundabout way of doing things, but that is often the way. It stated: Leo has become resistant to completing 1:1 activities at pre-school, with staff reporting that he is throwing objects and refusing to co-operate. At the time, this seemed like it might be part of his new pattern of behaviour, but I suspected there was an additional reason. The 1:1 ‘work time’ activities had not changed for some weeks. He had the same choices every single time and as I keep saying to the professionals although maybe not always that clearly: Leo likes a bit of change, he rejoices in new things, and develops aversions to things if they don’t change every now and then. That is not to say that he doesn’t like structure, but he doesn’t want to do things the same way each time. This does not fit with the view of autism that a lot of people have, including professionals. People with autism are different from each other in the same way that people without autism are. It can be easy to forget that.

I was very interested to read this in his home/school communication book at the start of term: Leo did not want to do work time today, but I said that we had new activities and he sat nicely. Leo completed 5 activities correctly and helped me put away the items when the session had finished. Told you so.

So: he was ill and he was bored. I think sometimes I get so caught up, I automatically look for answers in the context of autism, and sometimes they are much more mundane. A bored pre-schooler whose tummy was hurting. The only difference is that he can’t tell us that he is bored and that his tummy hurts. Communication is so much of an effort for him that even nodding his head is a big deal. He takes a deep breath and concentrates…then comes up with a little bow that he repeats a couple of times. When I first saw him nod I was ecstatic, but also realised how exhausting it is for him to communicate.

As a side note, I think this is what people mean when they tell me Leo is bright, as the Speech Therapist did yesterday. It is not that he is outstripping his peers with his shape identifying and colour matching skills, it is that he is woking incredibly hard and is often very creative in finding ways round the significant disadvantages he has been landed with. In time I hope he will also find more and more advantages to being autistic, but at the age of three they are largely hidden, apart from learning the alphabet and numbers at a stupidly early age. Still, his ability to get by and to negotiate everyday events is a significant acheivement.

The biggest lesson from this little episode was how quickly my energy and enthusiasm turned to panic. And that could have been more devastating than any regression that Leo might have been going through. By enthusiam I do not mean the jumping up and down and cheering ‘good job’ type of enthusiasm. I mean that I am still interested enough in finding out more about him, about developing our relationship and helping him explore the world. It is what gives me ideas to engage with him, it is what keeps me genuine, and allows me to respond rather than react.

For example: the other morning Leo climbed into his brother’s cot and held onto the sides. Leo does not really dance, but he responds to music quite strongly, whether positively or negatively. So I took a chance and put his little brother next to him and turned up the radio. We all jumped around for about 10 minutes, Leo tolerating his brother next to him (this a a big deal) and laughing and looking at me (also a big deal).

If I am not enthusiastic, then I am not ready to play. It sounds so easy, being ready to play, but it is not. I have to be tuned into Leo, and alert for possible ways for us to connect – and keep it going which is the hardest part. Sometimes the connection is so fleeting and is lost in microseconds.. I have to bear in mind that what would engage a non-autistic child will probably not work with Leo. I have to be prepared to prioritise this over the other things I need to do. Enthusiasm is essential, not an added extra.

There is  another potential threat to my supply of enthusiasm,and that is organisation. There is a lot of organising to be done when you have a child,  and this is  particularly the case when you have an autistic child. For example; Leo is using pictures to communicate, and I have to stay on top of these, editing and creating new ones on a regular basis, and keeping an ever growing library of pictures in stock. I am not very good at this type of thing, and at times I feel I am slowly failing a tedious craft project that I never volunteered for in the first place. It is easy to get bogged down in the organisation of it all, particularly if like me you struggle with this kind of activity, and miss oppotunites for connection.

This post was meant to be about our choice for Leo’s education when he leaves pre-school this September, but what was meant to be a side note has taken over the whole post.

Briefly then: Julian and I had a joint visit to the Special School and then to the local mainstream the next day. To my amazement (I am still amazed actually) Julian thought the Special School was wonderful. The activities were not conventional classroom activities  – in one class they were playing skittles for instance, and I can only think that is what pleased him so much.

After visiting the Special School, we had some pressure from the Early Years Team to decide on special vs mainstream. I am still confused as to why this was exactly, but it seemed to be to do with the timing of applying for Leo’s statement that would allow him to receive appropriate support. In reality, I don’t think there was any pressure on us, only on the team applying for statements, but we were visiting the school on a Friday and had been given a deadline of Monday, so it is fair to say it felt like pressure at the time.

The mainstream school was less welcoming in that the Head, Mrs C had not been briefed about our son, and when I mentioned autism she seemed to flinch slightly. She was very controlled and spoke very carefully, but we both got the impression she was trying to steer us away from her school. She did say: If a child can cope with the environment then we can teach them. I think there is a bit more to it than that, but it is a good place to start.

I had explained to Mrs C about Leo’s communication and how he uses signs and a PECS book to communicate. She had not heard of this before. I also used his difficulty nodding as an example of how hard things can be for him. She looked decidedly startled. When introducing us to the SENCO she explained: Leo is autistic and is very non-verbal.  After meeting the SENCO, Mrs B, we made our decision. Mrs B was not startled at all. And despite being in the middle of a messy art lesson, she was still very interested and completely convinced that she could help Leo venture into mainstream successfully. So that is what we will do.

I am still learning what a complex question mainstream vs special really is, and it undoubtedly deserves a post of its own.

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2 thoughts on “Enthusiasm

  1. hi Amy you are amazing, what careful thought you put into all of this. Leo sounds like he is a smart little person with a different way of being in the world that only a few people are ready for.
    I hope you can continue to find them . Thinking of you and sending lots of love Jill.

    • Hi Jill – thank you so much, how lovely to hear from you! I just know that Leo has so much to offer and I want to make sure he gets the same chances that most of us take for granted. Much love to you too.

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